Mild e-mail paranoia

I don't know why, but I always get a slight sense of dread when I open my e-mail in a depressive state. I always expect to see a message like: "Please appear before a firing squad at 0700. Failure to comply will result in the termination of several major cities. Thank you for cooperating." Or, "Your recent tests show that you are positive for AIDS, Cancer, and Hepatitis. These test were done without your knowledge but are conclusive. You have no insurance or health plan on record."

Another useless fight with my mother for nothing. This time for leaving the two tools I used to help fix the stove on the kitchen table. The tools that I had to specially go out and buy two hours ago to fix the stove. That stove is still inoperable due to the workers who shipped it. Two days before I planted another tree. And had to saw out old roots. And busted up my left hand with blisters and a painful skin hideousness from shoveling.

I thought about how the only things keeping me from really killing myself at one point was that it would have been the amount of money my father had wasted on my orthodontics and my mother's payment of other surgeries. Tried to cobble out something reasonable looking from my hideous animated carcass. Such a waste if I made Jackson Pollack prints via the mediums of my brains, a canvas, skull fragments, and a shotgun.

I think I get it now that human beings can't live without affection. I can't get any living here.