Mild e-mail paranoia

I don't know why, but I always get a slight sense of dread when I open my e-mail in a depressive state. I always expect to see a message like: "Please appear before a firing squad at 0700. Failure to comply will result in the termination of several major cities. Thank you for cooperating." Or, "Your recent tests show that you are positive for AIDS, Cancer, and Hepatitis. These test were done without your knowledge but are conclusive. You have no insurance or health plan on record."

Another useless fight with my mother for nothing. This time for leaving the two tools I used to help fix the stove on the kitchen table. The tools that I had to specially go out and buy two hours ago to fix the stove. That stove is still inoperable due to the workers who shipped it. Two days before I planted another tree. And had to saw out old roots. And busted up my left hand with blisters and a painful skin hideousness from shoveling.

I thought about how the only things keeping me from really killing myself at one point was that it would have been the amount of money my father had wasted on my orthodontics and my mother's payment of other surgeries. Tried to cobble out something reasonable looking from my hideous animated carcass. Such a waste if I made Jackson Pollack prints via the mediums of my brains, a canvas, skull fragments, and a shotgun.

I think I get it now that human beings can't live without affection. I can't get any living here.

How have I been?

Sometimes you forget minor things, like to update your blog for a few months. Then you forget really important things, like how insanely funny one of your best friends used to be. I thought of Blackman's and my own snippet of repartee when I realized I haven't remembered it in years and incorporated it into my screenplay.

Scene: A party

Girl: Hey guys! We've got beer, hot girls, good music, what more could you want?

Me: Puppies.

Blackman: Unicorns.

Me: World Peace.

Girl: What?

Me: Man, you know what I would do if I had puppies and unicorns and world peace?

Blackman: Yeah. You'd never go hungry again.


I really miss that stuff. Maybe law school will be like that again.

Oh, did I mention? I'm going to be studying law @ Cardozo. Thanks, worldwide Jewish conspiracy!!

List of Jobs I have been Rejected from

- Tea server at Teavana

- Sales Associate at Sketchers

- Bus boy for the Melting Pot

- Bus boy for the Cheesecake factory

- Bus boy for Grand Luxe Cafe

- Bus boy for Il Migore Italian cafe

- Substitute teacher at my old High School

- Sales 'engineer' at Mobil one

- Forklift operator (various locations)

- The Army (Said I would have a hard time to get into OCS)

- Starbucks

- Various Think Energy Group engineering temp. positions.

My mother says I am not applying myself enough. I can't wait to leave home. She's putting me in therapy for my lack of motivation. The counselor has English as a second language and is very touchy feeling. Wants me to get in touch with my emotions. I guess I have to go along now. My mother is getting increasingly irritable.

I just want to leave. Been hitting the gym 4 out of the past 5 days. Want to go 6 times a week. I feel better, though more tired. Sorry that I'm so laconic. More hold ups on the patent. Sigh.

Tell me again Why?

My mother has been buying cheap scented candles from a marshalls in a rather dicey neighborhood. My quote to her: "Ok, ok, I'm coming. We can't keep the car jackers waiting."

In other news, my prototype no longer works.


Sigh.

Overworked and Unemployed

Got my LSAT score. Solid 160. A 9 point increase. Thanks Kaplan. Now all I need to do is go through some 3 years of soul crushing agony with these slightly better than mediocre scores! Hoorah!

Other than that I've been painting my mother's bedroom, removing useless junk from the house, and fixing nearly everything. By everything I mean:

A drawer
The verticals
The Shower curtain hooks and rod
The table
my prototype

Sadly, I fear I'm better suited for mild repair work than anything involving actual engineering. I did not take my EIT exam my senior year due to the fact I was working on too many other projects. So I have no idea what working for an actual engineering firm would be like. Would like to finally get a portfolio together. Had a dream I won the tupperware design contest. I never win in real life.

Mental mantra has changed somewhat. Instead of "And that's why no one will ever love you" I seem to endlessly, quietly repeat "They don't give girlfriends out to you hideous people." Slightly better than the "I will die alone" phase. Need to go back to my pills.

But 160. I need to write my profs for some recommendation letters.

Where has the time gone?

Away forever apparently.

I'm absolutely horrid at diary keeping. Always have been. Keeping a journal has been said to have numerous health benefits. It keeps you in touch with yourself and your past. I knew this since I was a kid, but could never get past three journal entries unless my teacher forced me to write in it.
So, allow me to back track

Today: I planted three trees in the back/front yard, cleared the patio for the new glass doors, collapsed in exhaustion, ate sushi, bought shit at Home Depot and collapsed again. Today is also the birthday of a certain person whose existence has caused me no end of grief. I have not seen her face in two years, but gently caress in agony the mental scars she gave me.

Yesterday: Went to the gym, worked on a prototype, got a facebook friend invite from the only girl who I think had a crush on me in High School, though we only spoke once and from what I remember, I resented her for liking me. I have not seen her in 4+ years. Also found out that my High school class Valedictorian got married. I am baffled by how this fails to surprise me. two out of 68 Hillel '03 Alums are in matrimonial bliss. I intend to never join their ranks.

Day Before Yesterday: I took the GREs. The results: 750 verbal, 680 Math. I prepared for a week with a $25 prep book. Fairly pissed how I came down from a 800 verbal 700 math SAT. I don't know if it's because I became stupid, work slow on math or because it's computer based with only two multiple choice sections whereas the SAT had several. I am not intellectually what I would like to be. And this is upsetting because intellect is one of the only things going for me.

The Previous Week: Took the LSAT. Awaiting the the scores, but if I had to guess, I would be in the 160's. Which is a 10 point improvement, but 10 points from where I would like to be. If I do end up in law school, I don't think it'll matter that much if I just go into IP law and wait out my days fighting for digital rights in the EFF.

Also visited my father's grave. 7 years since he passed away. It's hard to remember what he sounded like. I was fifteen then, so I can remember what he used to say, but I can't imagine what he would say now to me. Atheists seem to be particularly silent at gravesites. I know I was.

The month previously: frantic studying for the LSAT. Damn LSAT prep was a grand out of my meager savings. Couldn't even squeeze enough of the value out since I became addicted to watching streaming episodes of The Office from Netflix. On the upside, I realized that Dwight Shrute is my power animal.

So, that is all you need to know. I'm done with my tests, and now have a brief window in which I will once again subject myself the the cruel ravages of a job search. Before I subject myself to the cruel ravages of Graduate/Law school admissions.

And plant more trees.

Lines for Sitcoms that will never get aired

"I like being Jewish. You get all the benefits of being white, plus the added street cred of killing God's only begotten son."